TIME OUT-Has this discipline method already done it's time?
*http://www.ahaparenting.com/img/iStock_Timeout.jpg
Oh geez. Don't be haters. This is just a question.
I'm just going to run some things by you. I'll trade you some of my own story to go with it too. Maybe then you will see that I just want you to think about it.
I certainly haven't got managing kiddie tantrums down to an art and I have lots of buttons that can be pressed however there's a significant change in positive behaviour support when it comes to educating children about those naughty little behaviours and not every technique is going to stay current or relevant. As you are about to read further on you will see that I'm suggesting that 'Time Out' as suggested by 'Supernanny' hasn't got as much magic and fairy dust as it used to.
Part of what I'm working on this week is not falling on my face. It started with what sounded like such a simple task. This week I had to speak to someone about child discipline and alternative strategies. Parent/carer seemed like a caring, lovely person and here I was saying 'You aren't supposed to do that.' As I broke the news to her and heard her side of the story it made me realise that I was actually struggling as I had to say why we weren't promoting Time Out and offer alternatives. I suddenly realised how unprepared I was and I had to confront my strong dislike for telling other people how to raise their children . So now, a few days on, I'm still putting it together. In the interim I just said I would help her out by sharing some resources with her. Even though it's not why I haven't posted more thoughtfully this week it is why I am back to write again. It's because I think about it a lot at the moment. It is interesting. Oh and oh how so controversial. Don't shoot me.
Personally, I rarely have used 'Time-Out' at home myself and for a number of reasons. I have more than my two arms full of kids and it is difficult managing something like that when they have just so much to say. My children are daring, dying to communicate and are always wanting to see what I will do if they don't do as they are told. I have also rarely smacked my children but that is probably because I'm just so damn scary that when I do they nearly shit themselves. If I try not to be scary they laugh and smack me back, then we are both laughing and then geez wasn't that a waste of time? When things blow out it is pretty tempting to use time out and beat somebody's ass but I have noticed over time it is nowhere near as effective as talking to my children, teaching them another way to do things and reinforcing that every chance I get. I'll go more in to that in a moment.
*image is from https://www.parentmap.com/c/51b0d6be/images/stories/istock_1033297_3_7_timeout_chair_329x460.jpg
First, just to clarify, a bit more about time out, in case you haven't heard of it. Maybe have a look at the basics on the following link.
'Time Out' was never intended to be a bad thing. It was shared and revered as an effective method of parenting and managing those difficult behaviours. It was great for stopping behaviour cycles in the moment. Any time that the method was questioned though, it has been strongly suggested that it was not being used or managed properly. If this is true, then by the same measure there must be something wrong with the parent or the child if the strategy isn't working. Well, that doesn't sound fair to me. In the past, 'Time Out' has been a way to manage behaviour in each given moment but this was depending on how the child responded. Is it a long term solution? What if the child is an absolute deviant or misunderstands the message you are sending?
Time Magazine also suggests there's more to 'Time Out'. Have a look at the following link. You might not like it so much.
I had a few discussions with other's about this. I also wanted to make sure I sent the carers and parents the right message. Unfortunately parents and carers can misinterpret messages too and think they are being punished, singled out or targeted if they don't understand the information they are being provided. So I of course asked my colleagues. One of these included a woman who now works in child protection but spent many years prior working at a local Family Support Centre running parenting classes and groups. She had plenty to comment on 'Time-Out' and not in just a child protection setting either. She said to me that 'Time-Out' was only ever meant for managing extreme behaviour like hitting and disrupting cycles for violent expression. She had been taught that even in an ordinary family setting that 'Time Out' was to be used sparingly just like a parent would with any other form of restrictive practice but unfortunately it was overused for every occasion of misbehaviour She informed that in conjunction with this strategies, the same parent had to also suddenly increase positive time together to counter this power balance and struggle whenever time out wasn't used so that 'Time-Out' wasn't actually necessary in the first place. It also helped the child understand it wasn't just about being in trouble but there was more to what had happened. Another colleague of mine says she would use 'Time Out' with her own children but as a positive redirection from what they were already doing and to take a break during arguments. When this happened she said she would suggest that they would all take a break in their own rooms when times got tough, a time out or break for everyone. Mommy said everyone was involved though and mommy would also do the same and go to her room too. She said they all would stop what they were doing and take time for themselves then to come back later and talk about it, also creating moments where people were more able to talk about what had happened.
So... what I'm hearing is 'Time Out' isn't what quite a few people thought it was and that 'Time Out' seems to be generalised as an everyday tool for managing behaviour. It wasn't supposed to be and it doesn't have to be. I'm also wondering what else we could have in place in addition to correct use of time out methods or to replace it all completely, seeing that it isn't appropriate for all ages and should only be used for extreme behaviour.
Our clinical support team (psychologists) at work for the people we support have made some pretty clear statements on how to interact with people who aren't coping, especially when it's not a crisis situation. If you are daring enough though, you can use it in a crisis situation too but most of the time you are just better off taking a break especially since people tend to cool off by the time you come back and respond better after they have had a moment or some breathing space. I think that's another story though.
Our psychologists informed that, when in these situations, and these people are counting on you or are dependant on you that you need to communicate calmly to get to the root of the issue. No matter what industry you work in, the fact is, when someone has a tantrum it is usually about an unmet need or fear (fear has needs too). Depending on the situation, as not every situation is safe, you can respond to challenging behaviour in the same way which can often help the person learn how to communicate better, especially with you and you can define by your action or break from a situation a clear expectation of what you want to occur in each situation. Both adults and children do need support with this sometimes. If you can teach someone to talk to you instead of lose their cool at you then you can help someone improve the way they manage their own behaviour and open an opportunity to deal with the underlying issues that have been triggering the reoccurrence. You aren't going to be able to work out what that is though if you can't talk to them.
When dealing with children with challenging behaviours there is often the same triggers that expose that lack of self control and self regulation. Even though young children may not have the same world views and understandings of a complex world that adults do they still need to be heard and validated. More modern clinical support shows direction towards being playful, being accepting, showing interest and remaining empathetic. It's a complete opposite approach to the use of 'Time-Out' and is more like a 'Time In' where instead the parent connects with the child instead of separating themselves from them when they show poor emotional regulation. It's kind of sweet actually although perhaps a big adjustment to make when someone might be calling you a 'bum bum' head or a 'bad mommy' and the initial impulse is to disconnect rather or react rather than calmly redirect. Instead of racing ahead to meet our own need to be in control of a situation we instead deal with the child where they are with themselves in that moment of time. The more complex the history or personal situation of the child or person the more they need someone to validate and listen to them. Timing is everything though. Supporting children with extreme behaviours needs guidance and relationship building as well as an ability to manage things before they escalate.
No. It's not easy but the big change may just be worth it for you.
Hmmmmmm..... I'm starting to feel a bit more ready to say my little spiel at work. I feel like I could say a bit more.
I'll spare you for now though.
There will be more at a later date. I hope you can bear it.
-Mez