Monster Driver

*image is from Sinpsonwiki

It was a Friday afternoon, I was still on shift at work and I had decided to use my own car to go to my last work related stop for the afternoon. This isn't completely uncommon practice, especially if the likelihood of me heading straight home afterwards was high. This day though, I had an impact with a pedestrian on a crossing during this journey and I didn't cope so well with the situation. There were some very brief exchanges of our version of events of how this actually came to happen but really I had great concern that the pedestrian was seriously hurt. Although he persisted he was okay and there was conversations, a hospital visit and police reports that followed the feeling didn't go away. I wasn't sure how long it would take to hear more and I didn't want to come off creepy by calling the guy constantly. I worried that things that then proceeded would be of a serious nature and my world would come crashing down. I didn't know what would happen next but I worried for the worst. I did not see him before impact and the whole thing was weird and a bit of a shock. No matter how kind others were or understanding I worried about being demonised, the loss of my licence and all the things that fall apart when someone like me relies so heavily on a car to keep my world stuck together with sticky tape. The sound of the sickening thud of a fellow human being hitting my car echoed in my mind and solidified my concerns that the worst could very well happen.

Here's the scene as it played out in my head, severe dramatisation is of course presented here. Please take this with a large serving of salt.

Anyways... whilst I did not believe that such a scene was completely what I was facing, especially as I'm probably not that creepy cold, heartless or even well off with money, I have to admit that it was hard not to think about it at times. What if I had really done such a terrible, negligent thing? I did tell a few people about this, mostly those who I informed at work by necessity, but I had in fact kept the majority of those I knew uninformed and unaware. I couldn't even face me. How could they understand? What if I claimed it was not my fault and it was, and then the harsh reality of this came crashing down in a humiliating way? I had wondered what it would be like to go to jail and how it might change me. What would I be like when I got out? I began thinking of all my unfinished business, unsure how much time I had to pay all my bills forward so my life was not as fucked up when I returned, so I would still have a car to drive, somewhere to live and a useable credit rating when I returned. I don't have that kind of money. I became a bit sick at the thought. I can't even do that and smoking is no longer allowed in Australian jails. I did become informed that he (the pedestrian) was ok but it wasn't enough for me. I felt really wrong and that I had done the wrong thing.

Now that I have updated, in more recent weeks, I am feeling a teeny bit better. I was informed that although it has not concluded yet the insurance company currently does not deem me at fault (although this may change) and a message left on my phone by a nearby police station informed that I possibly not be facing demerit points after all either. I then worried the pedestrian was entitled to something though and he was not going to get this. I wondered if I had completely fucked up his life while I was feeling relief and not accumulating points. There is more to this story though, I guess the bit where I may not be at fault. Telling the story is still too hard. The relief is there though. Things are looking much better than they did that day and in the immediate weeks that followed. If you weren't around immediately after it happened and I when I did blurt it out in hysteria and panic, then you might not ever know all of it. It just doesn't feel right talking about it, even though it isn't something I would go to jail for.

So for now, it looks like life will still go on as it is. Things do catch up with us all eventually though. At the moment it looks like this is not my time but maybe another day, month or year and another event perhaps and I'll find out really exactly what it's like inside a jail cell. Sometimes I feel like I'm a step or a slip away from things falling apart and if it's not madness it's a complete fuck up all together.

Perhaps I am not such a monster after all though. Or maybe I still am. It may sound like I am trying to convince you that I am not. I might be... but I'm just not the kind of monster that you think I am..... no matter which story it is that I have to tell.

Anyways,

Until the next time you hear from my lair... just know that things will never be a single story... and yes... I know I'm not perfect. Eventually everything does catch up with us.

-Mez